I'll Never Tell
by miss-motormouth
Summary: Anya and Xander meet up several years after the break-up.
1. Part 1

Title: I'll Never Tell 1/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: Anya/Xander  
  
Summary: Anya and Xander meet up several years after the break-up.  
  
Spoilers: Hells Bells, Seeing Red, Villains basically all of season six apart from Two to Go and Grave. I haven't seen them yet. Set four years after season six.  
  
Feedback: I've only written short Anya/Xander ficlets before so feedback would be very welcome and I'd love to know what you guys think and if I should continue :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: fanfiction.net, IAEVDAMH (when I get the site updated grrr), SU, anywhere else sure just email me and ask :)  
  
AN: If I'd heard a year ago that Anya and Xander would have *angst* in season six, and we're talkin' big scale angst then I'd have laughed. I probably wouldn't have written something like this either because my vision of future Anya/Xander involved children, boats and happy marriage. But things don't always work out the way you figure and happy endings in the Joss-verse? *sarcastic laugh*. Of course in my universe happy endings are plentiful and often. Anyway that's how this idea was born and I hope you enjoy. Feedback would be awesome :)  
  
  
  
~**Part 1**~  
  
" I've got a love that's new  
  
I hear you're happy too  
  
That's the way it should be  
  
But lately I feel like crying"  
  
- Over You, Sheryl Crow  
  
It's been three years. Three years since the final battle, end of days, whatever you want to call it. Three years since I walked away. It was the most senseless and dumbest thing I ever did. Compared to ditching someone at the altar like he did it was nothing but I never thought *I'd* do something so stupid. I guess I can't blame him for walking away from the wedding anymore, I did the exact same thing a few years later. Walked the hell away and it hurt. It really hurt. Maybe not as much as being left at the altar but it did hurt and that means something.  
  
That Ascension I saw? A children's birthday party compared to the final battle. A birthday party for lots of little pink children. How I used to want those children. Xander's children, I even thought of names.  
  
I don't like to remember the last battle. Sometimes this long life is a curse. So many years, so many days. So many moments and the only ones I remember – that even matter - are the ones with him. It's all evisceration and pain and blood and then there was Xander and *light*. I compare that with now and sure there's light but it doesn't shine so brightly anymore. Now it's faded.  
  
I'm digressing... the past doesn't matter. It's done and I've moved on. Yes and mortals are so great at moving on. If people really truly moved on, "got over it" would there even be vengeance demons? No people don't move on, not ever but I'm trying.  
  
The last battle killed Buffy – but she beat it, saved us again. I wish I'd thanked her once, just once - and this time Willow didn't try and bring her back. Oh, we learned our lesson. Sunnydale was ruined, swallowed into the ground. I never liked the place, it being on a Hellmouth and all, but I wondered if it being gone would help me forget things. It didn't.  
  
Willow went to LA, helped Angel's demon hunting buddies with the demon hunting. Angel died in that battle too, with Buffy. They got back together a couple of years back. They could still find something, they still had something, after all that time. Seeing them together I doubt it ever left them. They were happy before that battle, together and happy. I think they'll stay that way.  
  
Me, I just left. God knows why Willow still wanted to deal with vampires and the like after what we saw. Dawn left too, went to college in New York - sweet little Dawnie's all grown up now and I feel strangely old. I don't know where Xander went. After I got over the idiot thing that made me walk away I spent hours trying to find him. Of course all I had to do was ask Willow. Something inside of me doesn't *let* me ask her though and I just can't. The words won't even form on my lips even though I've rehearsed them in my head a hundred times.  
  
I always wanted to go to New York. I wanted to go to a thousand places but when it was all over and I could do whatever I wanted I didn't go. It all seems meaningless without him. I was going to go on his silly rite of passage tour of America thing with him. Of course it wasn't silly really, one time after a couple of hours of great sex - but it was always great - he told me about it and then he offered to take me with him and I felt so happy.  
  
I went to San Francisco in the end, figured it was as good a place as any. It's not so bad here and I'm happy. Yeah, Anya say that once more with enthusiasm, I scold myself and sigh. I want to be happy, I really do. I have a job here in a shop and I have a boyfriend. He's not as nicely shaped as Xander and he babbles on sometimes but I like him. His name's Michael and he says he loves me. I say it back and I wish I meant it.  
  
We met about eight months ago when I was working. This woman tried on this tight yellow dress and asked me if it made her look fat. I'm supposed to be honest with customers. I told her that no the dress didn't make her look fat, the fact that she was fat made her look fat. Well that got me fired from that job. Michael came over to me and offered to take me out to dinner. Said that I was blunt, honest and he liked that. It reminded me of Xander and I smiled and agreed.  
  
He thinks I'm honest and isn't that ironic? Michael doesn't know that I used to be a vengeance demon and I've been there when the world almost ended and once long ago I loved a guy called Xander Harris. Ain't it funny how that last part matters more than everything else?  
  
I'll never tell him either. Just like I'll never tell him that I don't love him, that I don't think I can love him. I won't marry him either – he's asked and I know I should say yes, get the perfect wedding, beautiful white dress, have things go right, I know Michael wouldn't walk away but then he wouldn't make his own vows either. I can't do it. I tell him I'm not ready. Which leads to the scary question of if I'm *ever* going to be ready, if I could marry anyone apart from Xander.  
  
I pretend to be Anya Jenkins who has pretty brown hair, works in a sci fi memorabilia shop – which has Star Wars junk and the like – and has an oh so handsome boyfriend who's even a *lawyer*. It's fucking idyllic. The American dream. If I'd ever wanted the American dream maybe I'd be happy. The problem is I never did. Not for a second. I just wanted to have someone to hold. Now I pretend I was never Anyanka or Anya Harris to be, that my friends never got killed by unimaginable hell monsters and of course psychotic gun wielding nerds who would love this shop. I pretend and it doesn't help.  
  
Isn't this pathetic? I'm here pining and obsessing over my ex of four years and 113 days. Geez, I counted the days. It's pathetic, I know that but I don't seem to be moving on. Leaving Sunnydale doesn't help, the town being swallowed into the *ground* doesn't help. A new life, a new boyfriend, none of it helps. I don't usually think about him this much, really I don't but lately I've been thinking about it a lot. Too much. I suppose people always think how if only they'd done things differently it would have worked out but I think it would have. I think things could have been good.  
  
We could have gotten married, had lots of little pink children, bought a boat and lived in a nice house together. Instead I'm living in a nice house with Michael – who has a boat – and he would marry me and have lots of little pink children with me in a heartbeat if I said I wanted to. But I don't. And he's not Xander.  
  
A familiar voice breaks me from my thoughts and the porcelain statue of some space monster...thing that I was holding falls from my hands. Xander? I think it with all of me but my lips won't open to ask. Oh my God. I must be *hallucinating*. Just breathe Anya. Breathe. Obsessing and pining can lead to hallucinations. It's okay, Xander's not really here. I peer round the corner and check just to reassure myself and I'm not reassured.  
  
Xander's standing right round the fricking corner. Oh God. Breathe.  
  
" Honey, did we have to come in here? You know I hate this sci fi crap. I thought visiting San Fran would be fun but if you spend hours here then we won't have time to catch the 3 o'clock tour." The pretty blond woman he's with complains.  
  
Honey? I used to call him honey. And hello, anyone who knows Xander should know he loves this crap. And a blond? Please. The fact I used to be blond is irrelevant. This woman's hair is just... tacky and dyed. Probably dyed at some expensive salon but it's still fake. Mine looked better. Also, couldn't he go out with someone unattractive? That's not too much to ask. I'm so busy finding ways to insult the woman I miss Xander's answer to her.  
  
I try and breathe. This isn't happening. No, wait, why shouldn't it? He's got a girlfriend, big deal, I have a boyfriend. But here, in the shop where I work? No, this can't be happening.  
  
" I'll wait for you outside" She continues and struts out on ridiculously high heels. I hope she falls. I wish she would fall. But of course she doesn't and there's not a vengeance demon for wishing curses on the new girlfriends of your ex boyfriend. There should be.  
  
Xander looks the same as always. His hair's changed a little but he' s still wearing ridiculous shirts and has the same puppy dog eyes. Huh, I wonder when she'll make him into one of those business men who wear suits to the beach for Christs sake. Michael (Michael who I *really* like. But thinking of him doesn't help me breathe and what does that mean?) doesn't wear suits to the beach but he does wear them a lot. Okay, that's not the point. The point is that Xander, my ex Xander is here in my place of work.  
  
I think I might just faint. Or die.  
  
" Anya!" A voice says and thank God it's not Xander.  
  
" What?" I snap at, oh, the manager.  
  
He gestures to the broken statue on the floor.  
  
" It was only worth five dollars, who cares?" I ask him.  
  
" You can't just break the merchandise" He tells me sternly like I'm a five year old.  
  
I raise an eyebrow at him, suddenly mad and pick up another statue of an equally unrecognisable space thing. It wasn't like I just dropped the other one for the hell of it but hey, why not? I could work my way through the whole store while I'm at it.  
  
" Watch me" I say and drop it. And then I stamp on it just for good measure. Woah, he looks genuinely pained to see this little creatures get broken. I smile.  
  
" Stop it"  
  
" No." I tell him sweetly and chuck another one on the floor. Quite a crowd have gathered now to see the crazy woman who's breaking things.  
  
I roll my eyes. " Haven't you people got something better to do? Go to the movies or something? Y'know, he has porn in his office" I point towards the manager who looks highly pissed off.  
  
" Go take it." I instruct. A couple of teenage boys look excited and a few people wander off, clearly disturbed by my outburst, but most of them stay. I bet telling them he had limited edition Star Trek merchandise in his office would have provoked more of a reaction. Freaks.  
  
" Anya!" Bob the manager yells and his face has gone an interesting shade of red.  
  
" Bob" I say.  
  
" You're fired."  
  
" Oh. Do I get to keep my cute little name tag?" I ask, gesturing to it.  
  
" No! And you owe us fifteen dollars." He says. Still mad I see.  
  
" Bite me" I mutter and turn to leave. I walk past a shelf of more little statues and knock 'em over just for the fun of it. Bob yells something after me probably about payment but I'm not listening. I exit from the back of the shop and end up in a charming little alley where I sometimes had to put the trash out.  
  
Still can't breathe. And why did I just do that? It didn't make me feel any better, well for a few seconds maybe but it didn't change the fact that Xander's there, in the shop. I sniff a little, feeling a strange urge to cry. I've lost my job, that's not a big deal. I'll just find a new one. But I'm all sad and depressed now, just because I heard a voice and saw a face from long ago. I sigh. No, people don't move on.  
  
" That was some show Anya" A voice says from behind me.  
  
" Yeah maybe I should have charged. You wanna donate some money huh? 'Cause I think I owe them a lot for all those little model th-" I stop my ramblings when I realise whose voice it was and I turn around and see Xander.  
  
He looks at me and I look at him. My lips tremble a little and the urge to cry intensifies but I won't.  
  
" It's been a while" Xander says softly and I'm slightly comforted to see he looks as shocked and surprised, and shattered - how many alliterated words can I think of here? - as I do.  
  
I nod dumbly and find I've lost my ability to speak as well as gaining the need to cry. Terrific. I nod some more because it's all I can do.  
  
  
  
***  
  
tbc?  
  
Feedback... pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk 


	2. Part 2

Title: I'll Never Tell 2/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: Anya/Xander  
  
Summary: Anya and Xander meet up several years after the break-up.  
  
Spoilers: Hells Bells, Seeing Red, Villains basically all of season six.  
  
Timeline: Set four years after season six.  
  
Feedback: Let me know if you're still liking this and if you want more :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: fanfiction.net, IAEVDAMH, SU, anywhere else sure just email me and ask :)  
  
AN: Sorry for the long time it took me to write this and post it. Thanks and hugs to everyone who sent me positive feedback, reviewed it at ff.net etc :) Hope you like this new part too.  
  
AN2: I don't have such a good grasp on Xander as Anya so sorry if this isn't as in character as it should be.  
  
~**Part 2**~  
  
" Is that sorry on your breath? Where were you when I was sitting back here missing you to death?  
  
Don't matter now" - It Don't Matter Now, Alison Krauss  
  
It's been a while? That's all I can think of to say to her. It's been years and that's all I have to say to her. No, I have a hundred other things I want to say to her, it's just I went so long without saying any of it. What would it matter now?  
  
" So how've you been?" Anya says casually, quickly regaining her composure. Her face adjusts to an almost calm, everything is fine expression.  
  
" Good. You?"  
  
" Great. I've been great." She says over enthusiastically and looks down, some of the casualness fading from her voice.  
  
" I have a job here. Well not anymore but I did. And a boyfriend, who's a lawyer and really good in bed. Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything. Hell I don't. You know what Xander? Leave me alone. I'm having a really crappy day and you're a big part of that so maybe you should just go because I can't talk to you now. Okay?" She snaps. Geez can she do the outburst thing.  
  
Again there are a hundred things I could have said, like screw you and those sarcastic retorts I was so good at. But I'm so fucking mad I can't think about them.  
  
I turn and start to walk away. Still feels bad walking away. Still I feel freaking *guilty*.  
  
" Xander." She calls after me and all the casualness is gone from her voice. I hear the patter of footsteps as she runs to catch up with me.  
  
" I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I...you didn't ruin my day. I've been meaning to quit that stupid job for ages anyway. Sure you got me fired - "  
  
" I got you fired?" I demand and turn to face her. She has that Anya honesty - that I fell in love with and never found in anyone else - in her voice and I can't walk away from that even if I'm mad at her.  
  
" Yes. I saw you and it...unsettled me and I dropped a statue. Then Bob got pissed at me and I smashed some more stuff and got fired. I won't hold it against you. " She adds.  
  
" Generous of you."  
  
" Oh. Sarcasm. Funny." She sighs. " I guess it wasn't entirely your fault."  
  
" And Michael really isn't that great in bed." She continues.  
  
I shrug and ignore the fact that this means something to me. " You don't have to justify yourself to me."  
  
Anya looks down. " I do because I yelled at you and it was wrong. I'm sorry, okay?" She pauses.  
  
" That sounded pretty human huh? I'm starting to learn the apology thing." She adds with a smile.  
  
I smile back a little.  
  
" It's hard when I don't have anyone to teach me though." Anya says softly and there's a wistful note in her voice.  
  
" Well you seem to be doing good." I say  
  
" Thank you. How're you doing really?" Anya asks.  
  
" What, I can't be good?"  
  
She shakes her head. " No. Life isn't good." I frown. The Anya I knew never spoke like that. She was happy and optimistic and wanted life to be good.  
  
" Sometimes it is." I say and she shrugs, looking a little sad.  
  
" So who's the blond?" Anya changes the subject. Not tactfully and it's been more than a while since someone's spoken to me with complete honesty and ignored tact. God help me but I've kind of missed it.  
  
" Jessica" I tell her and she rolls her eyes.  
  
" Did you just roll your eyes?" I peer at her.  
  
" No! No I didn't. Why would I do that?" She denies.  
  
" C'mon, An, you're dating a *lawyer*. What's a blond compared with that? Besides you used to be blond anyway." I protest.  
  
She looks outraged and opens her mouth to argue but then the corners of her lips twitch and she's smiling.  
  
" Who would have figured?" Anya asks. "You with some blond with a Wonderbra and a career in...publicity?" She decides. I should probably be offended but like I said I've missed this.  
  
" Interior design." I clarify. " And you with some lawyer who drives a Mercedes and buys you lots of presents?"  
  
" A Jaguar. He doesn't buy me that many presents either although he should." She clarifies.  
  
" Who would have figured?" I repeat what she said because it's crazy how things worked out.  
  
Anya laughs suddenly and I laugh too. This *is* crazy. Sure I have things I want to say to her. She probably has things to say to me too. Right now this is crazy and I want to laugh until my lungs hurt. Haven't laughed like that in years. But now, now I do.  
  
" Xander?"  
  
I turn round to face Jessica and feel a strange kind of guilt. It's not as though I've done anything wrong but I feel a kind of guilt.  
  
" What are you doing out here?" She asks. " And why are you laughing like that?"  
  
" Jessica this is Anya. Anya, Jessica" I try to do the introduction thing like Anya is just an old friend. I catch Anya rolling her eyes again before she smiles at Jessica and shakes hands with her.  
  
" Hi" Anya says with a smile.  
  
" It's nice to meet you." Jessica says. " How do you know Xander?"  
  
" Me? Just old friends." Anya lies. "What about you?"  
  
" Oh we're dating."  
  
" Aww, that's cute" She says with a smile. I glance at her, wondering what she's doing. " I love your hair" Anya continues.  
  
Jessica smiles back and touches her hair to check it's still in its style. " Thank you. So how long have you guys known each other?"  
  
" Oh I knew Xander when he was all young and virginal." Anya says. " He lost his virginity to a girl called Faith, did you know that?"  
  
" Uh no." Jessica says frowning slightly and I can see Anya suppressing a smile. I can see what the hell she's doing now and if she doesn't stop -  
  
" Ooh!" Anya exclaims. " Maybe we could all go out for dinner sometime. I have a boyfriend who's a lawyer and you can tell me all about yourself."  
  
" I guess that'd be nice." Jessica says with a smile, deciding to ignore the Faith comment. " It would be interesting to hear about what Xander was like back then."  
  
" Great. How about tonight?" Anya asks.  
  
" Sure. Is that alright with you, Xander? There wasn't anything else you wanted to do in San Francisco was there?" Jessica asks me.  
  
Apart from having dinner with my ex? Who's acting *nice* to my current girlfriend and I'm completely confused as to why? How about anything else?  
  
" That sounds good." I say and force a smile.  
  
" Okay well Anya we'll meet you at the Bridge Restaurant at 8, I hear it's nice there." Jessica says and then she takes my arm in that couply way and we leave.  
  
Dear God. What has she done? I'm not quite sure but this dinner, this can't be good.  
  
* * *  
  
tbc? Feedback, pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk 


End file.
